By Ansetus Dongo (ZNFPC Provincial Marketing and Communications Officer – Mash West province)
We often find young people and even some adults blaming themselves due to certain decisions they may have or not have made particularly about sexual consent; most young people give in after considerable begging, pestering guilt tripping, threatening or even wearing someone down. Society on the other hand does not always help as shamming; blaming and isolation are rampant to coerced individuals who end up giving in to sexual demands of their partners. Unplanned pregnancies, STIs including HIV, sexual violations like rape often emanate from non-consensual sexual encounters
Real consent must be freely given, enthusiastic and reversible. The simple truth is: “Yes” is not actually a “yes” if it follows an initial “no” or any kind of convincing. If someone has been pressured past their boundary, then what you got wasn’t permission. It was submission and it is coercion. Coercion is not consent hence it is in fact sexual assault. It is unfortunate that in most cases society blames the survivors for “giving in” More often than not, when we respond to sexual assault involving coercion, we shift the blame onto the survivor. Statements such as:
“Why didn’t you just keep saying no?”
“You eventually said yes though, right?”
“You gave in, so you must have wanted it.”
It is my humble submission that a person who is tired, scared, cornered or emotionally manipulated into saying “yes” is not giving consent. They are surviving. They are trying to end the pressure, the threats, and or the manipulation. That is not a choice made in freedom. That is self-protection. It is clear that the person who refused to accept “no” is responsible and should be adjudged as such. Have we really checked why coercion works and why it is abuse? Coercion works because it exploits power, exhaustion and fear. The ‘abuser’ most of the time refuses to accept boundaries. In some cases they keep asking again and again for hours until the person breaks. None of this is romance. None of this is persuasion.
The ‘abuser’ often throws in statements that sound like:
“If you really loved me, you would.”
“Come on, don’t be like that. Everyone does it.”
“I’ll leave you if you don’t.”
“You led me on, so you owe me.”
Consent has to be negotiated, bargained for and must be freely given, enthusiastic and reversible. Under Zimbabwe’s Criminal Law Codification and Reform Act, consent must be given freely and voluntarily. Section 65 is clear: if consent is obtained by threats, intimidation or abuse of power, it is not valid consent. Ethically, it’s even simpler: Human dignity means every person has body autonomy. That means the right to say “no” and have it respected the first time without debate, without punishment, without being worn down. As individuals and as a society, we need to respond to sexual violence in a way that emulates how we think things should be, not how they have always been or “just are.” There is need to change our messaging by empowering survivors not to give in no matter what and stop blaming as well as shifting from victim to survivor’s mode. On the other hand there is need to encourage would be perpetrators that that they should not coerce their partners, respect their partners by accepting and respecting their freedom and choice.
Education must shift from teaching potential victims how to avoid assault to teaching everyone that coercion, manipulation and boundary-crossing are unacceptable. As society we should start to believe survivors. We should not interrogate their “why.” If they say they were pressured, believe that their “yes” was not free. Our young people and children should be taught to respect in dating, friendships and even workplaces. To accept the first “no.” Teach your children that “no” ends the conversation. Speaking up is also very key. Let us challenge victim-blaming, challenge it. Instead lets us bring awareness that coerced consent isn’t consent. The fault is with the person who wouldn’t take no for an answer.
We don’t change culture by policing survivors. We change it by holding coercion accountable and teaching that respect starts at the first “no.”